Patience is a Virtue

Most people attempting to hail an elevator will see its slow-moving closing doors and panic. They then stick an extremity out in an attempt to keep the doors open, thus ensuring them a timely ride to their destination. Sometimes, a patron already on the elevator will have the wits and reflexes to hit the “DOOR OPEN” button, or to put their own extremity in the way of the closing doors. However, this is rare, especially on crowded elevators. Because I am odd…I like to wait in busy lobbies and wait for this situation to arise, that is, I wait for crowded elevators with slow closing doors. When I see a full car’s doors closing, I make a mad dash towards it. Just as the doors are closing, instead of my arm or foot, I use MY HEAD to stop the doors from closing. I then over exaggerate the pressure of the doors and pretend my head is being smashed. A little cherry candy will turn your saliva red and give the illusion of major head trauma. It is important NOT to actually get on the elevator (make sure you use your arms to close the door after your performance, its quite easy to do). It will leave the people on the car terrified. Next time, they will think twice before trying to shove things in front of closing doors. Its important to remind people to excercise a little patience…#elevatorsarefun

Don’t Half-Ass It

Sometimes when I see someone running at a great distance towards the elevator, I can’t help but to get excited. The possibilities of potential outcomes are endless. Will they make it? Will they miss it? Will someone attempt to halt the elevator for them? Will the social norms of elevator etiquette be too much for everyone to handle?! Whenever I see this person running to snatch the elevator I make sure they know I see them.  I then push my back against one of the elevator doors to ensure they don’t close. I get down low and in a panicked voice I yell at the person, “HURRRRY!!” The person usually attempts to hurry. I then make my eyes really big and look past the person coming towards the elevator and make a shocked/scared look. I then yell, “HURRY!! THEY’RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!” I wave them towards the elevator. At this time, they look over their shoulder and hurry even faster, sometimes looking panicked. There is also a feeling of panic throughout the whole car as the patron enters the car. I then act completely normal and ask them, “What floor?” Its important to remind people that if they are going to do something silly, like run to catch an elevator, they may as well do it wholeheartedly….#elevatorsarefun

Leap of Faith

Whenever I am in a financial building or a building full of uppity business professionals, I feel elated. These are the best elevator rides. If I am in a suit, this is even better…because I blend in. In these situations I like to do an elevator “oldy but goody”. I go to the highest floor possible and take the elevator down. As the elevator moves closer and closer towards the lobby, I make sure the patrons on the elevator are aware of my excitement.  I bend my knees and giggle. If we have to stop along the way towards the lobby, I like to say to the people getting on, “ OH MAN! You ruined it!”. This often causes a few confused looks, but nobody is more the wise. As we plummet towards the lobby I say, “You ready? You ready?!” More confused looks. Just as the ticker is about to hit the lobby floor I make a great leap towards the ceiling and come crashing down as the elevator reaches the ground floor. Just like you did when you were a child. I let out a “YES!!” and accompany it with a fist pump. I then gather myself, look professional as possible and take a fake cell phone call about a fake “huge deal I am closing” as I exit. Its good to remind people not to take themselves too seriously….#elevatorsarefun

Silent But Deadly

Sometimes when I am getting on a long elevator ride with a person whom I don’t know… if possible, I like to let out an SBD (Silent But Deadly) fart. Just as the smell engulfs the traveling car, I look at the other person and roll my eyes or shake my head in disgust. If they aren’t looking at me, I make a gasping noise to ensure they are aware of my disgust. I love watching their face change from surprise, to denial, to embarrassment to disgust. I can tell they want to deny it, but they NEVER do. As they exit the elevator they may think it’s gross or rude, but later they realize I have just given them a great gift. A great conversation starter for future conversations with lighthearted coworkers. Finding interesting and comedic things to talk about with people can be difficult. I have also reminded them that “who farted?” is, and always will be, one of life’s great mysteries….#elevatorsarefun

Eye Contact

I really hate how making eye contact with someone is, seemingly, one of the worst things you can do on an elevator. People look up, or look down, or pretend to look at their phones. As if making eye contact with a stranger would cause the car’s cables to break, or its hydraulic system to fail. I like to introduce myself to people on elevators. I look them in the eye and shake their hand and don’t let go for a long time. This is quite awkward and inappropriate to do. However, to me it is less awkward than pretending to be interested in the lighting or the granite floor of the elevator. As an added bonus to my awkward introduction, as the patron is leaving the elevator I will shout, “Tell your mom, everything is going to be all right!”. I then very quickly hit the “DOOR CLOSE” button. I don’t want a follow up question. As the person leaves the elevator lobby on their floor they will think, “IS my mom okay? Who was that guy again?”. The patron is then likely to call their mother to check to see how she might know a strange guy on an elevator, and whether or not everything is actually “all right”. It is important to remind people to call their mothers and to remember names during introductions….#elevatorsarefun

No Sweat

When I am on a semi-crowded elevator I like to pace back and forth very nervously. I bite my nails and let out deep breaths. It usually causes a general sense of uneasiness among the car’s patrons. As I exit the door I usually say things like, “Phew!”. Then in a loud celebratory shout as I enter my desired floor I yell, “We made it!!” and raise my hands in the air in victory. Its important to remind people not to take things, like jettisoning into the sky hundreds of feet into the air safely, for granted. The counter to this–it is also important to remind people that they shouldn’t sweat the small things in life….#elevatorsarefun